Posted in life, philiosophy, Poems, thoughts, Uncategorized

Rebuttle

You say he will save me from my storm.

You forget, I grew up in these waters.

For eighteen years I have fallen asleep to the wailing wind,

the lamentation of a dying world.

You are right

the world has fallen

into despair

and everywhere I look I see shards of dreams that were left to collect dust.

I too smell the putrid odor of greed

and freedom does not feel very free anymore.

We have forgotten to read the fine print.

We have forgotten that boldness and easy come at a price

and now we realize our bank accounts are empty

and still we leave our hearts closed.

What of it?

I see it all more clearly than most

and sometimes I think I myself am the raging wind.

What of it though?

You think that feeling threatened and baring my teeth will solve the problem!

You think loving only when authority tells you to is real love?

Love is blood stained hands from cradling your dying child hit by concrete after an exsplosion.

Love is dragging a unconsious stranger from a burning car.

Love is

surviving the storm because of love.

You tell me love is folded hands and bent knees.

You tell me he can save me from my storm.

I ask you:

How can anyone save you from yourself?

-Eva M.M.

Thanks for stopping by my lovely ink angels. I love hearing from you and hope you enjoyed this post.

Posted in letters, life, philiosophy, Poems, thoughts

FTM

They say a lot of things

but they won’t say ‘He’.

I say,  “Ashes to ashes

dust to dust.

I will see you when I’m free.”

– Eva M.M.

Thanks for reading and stopping by. Hope you enjoyed this post and let me know if you have any comments or questions.

“Me and the pen, we are one. If it’s ink would cease to flow, my ink would cease to flow.”

Posted in life, philiosophy, thoughts

Idle versus alone time

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about being  introverted and lazy. For the longest time though I had not put down in words the distinction between needing idle time and needing alone time, their realtionship and how one can balance the amount of these different needs out with what their personality needs.

As an introvert I often hear from non-introverts or even from less introverted people that I am lazy. Don’t get me wrong. I am lazy but I don’t like staying idle very long. I don’t mind work. In fact when I don’t put in a good day of work in one form or another I grow lathargic and bored. I need to keep busy. Sometimes what is hard for extroverts to understand about this is that I like to keep busy alone. Meaning I require a extremely high amount of alone time to function but very little idle time. However, if I don’t get enough alone time I grow tired and therefore require more idle time. As well as the less alone time I get the less productive my work is and it would be more useful to me if I spent that time in idleness. 

In another post I would love to clarify more about what I mean by idle time but for now I think you get the general idea of what I am saying. I do want to talk a little about people in general since I was focusing more on myself to start. In general wheather introverted or extroverted or on the boarder line , I think people need a lot more alone time than we get. I want to be a advocate for us introvertes and say we suffer the most because we never can get enough time alone and people just never understand. I know that isn’t completely true though. In fact, extroverts need a good deal of alone time as well but might not be aware that they do or rarely want that alone time because they grow weary alone and therefore they can easily grow deficient in their alone time. It is the old paradox that people have been trying to figure out for a long time. To complicate things even further we throw in idle time. It can sometimes be easy to get these confused as I stated in my opening paragraphs. With introverted people we often are given idle time but not alone time or people tell us we are lazy because we want alone time, yet again, a confusion and misinterpretation of two different things.

Why does this even matter though? Why have I been so concerned about this and dedicated an entire post to talking about it? 

I think it really matters because

  1. I am fed up of hearing people misinterpret others needs/ I need to be more aware of how I myself intpret other people’s needs.
  2.  People need to self reflection more on what they truly do need to distinguish if they need more idle or down time or if they just need more time to be alone and reflect about it and chances are if you are unsure than you need the latter to figure it out.

An idle mind isn’t meant to be fruitful. An idle mind is meant to prepare you for being fruitful and working hard. An alone mind is the most fruitful of minds in that it shows you who you are and what you need to work on.

– Eva M.M.

Posted in life, philiosophy, story, thoughts

The irony (Confession)

The migraine pressed against my skull, slanting thought upon layered thought, together, as the wheels glide over the slick pavement. The sharp echo of road bladed against my suspended pain– I close my eyes only to open them to the jungle of civilization. Concrete buildings and the jumbled flood of that great migration, rush hour downtown, minds bustling and bumping about, pockets full of and hearts hollow.

I see.

We arrive. I stand in awe of man’s belief built, bound, contained, tainted by the firmness of stone.The chill of shy spring caresses my legs. Crossing into the haven, I dust of the cold from my chest. We sit. I study the grain of wood the knows. I glaze my eyes with the blue serenity of sacred glass.I defrost my heart with the radiance of painted purity. I do not feel the divine here– here is only respect for the divine. Bodies that stand, move down the line and settle back into the upholding bench of self-scrutiny, reflections on the muddled murk of morality. One kneels. The stifling whisper of a page being turned, divides. We move further down the line. Here, inwardly, I replay all — and

I see.

The confessional door opens. An elderly man hobbles out renewed, a fresh flower among wilted roses. I enter the booth and tentatively kneel.

” Bless me father for I am sin.”

I stare through the screen in front of me trying to puzzle together the mysterious face that calmly tells me to take my time and list my crimes.

  • Humanity
  • falling into my all consuming void
  • knowing
  • fear and cowardice
  • hatred
  • tainted love

and

  • breathing.

My mind wanders to the drive there; To my mother turning the steering wheel in her jerky, fast-paced life style and a man sitting on the side of the road with nothing more than time on his hands.

Help. Anything helps. Hungry. Homeless.’

The agonizing moment of noticing poverty before you can ignore it. We have somewhere to be. We hunger for god. He hungers…

I see.

” I absolve you of your sins in the name of the father the son and the Hol- ”

-iness is just an illusion.

I emerge from the booth heavier than when I entered.

We kneel.

We stand.

We walk.

We fail to see

that love isn’t love without loving.

She drive. I open my mouth. Tell her to stop. We must have something to give, even just words, they help, but we have somewhere to be.

We hunger…

He hungers for love.

Blind.

I fall asleep thinking one day I will be brave enough to tell her,

” Practice what you Preach.”

 

We arrive

home,

pockets full

and

hearts hollow.

 

-Eva M.M.

Thank you for stopping by and reading, commenting, giving me your thoughts and feed back. Love you all, my little ink angels.

” Me and the pen, we are one. If its ink would cease to flow, my ink would cease to flow.”

 

Posted in life, philiosophy, Poems

Cries …subdued.

We cry

because

We care

because

We love

because

We exist

because

Of love,

because

They cared

–cries heard in the dismal night,

subdued by soft lips.
-Eva M.M.

” Me and the pen, we are one. If its ink would cease to flow, my ink would cease to flow.”

Thanks again for stopping by. Hope you enjoyed this poem. 

Posted in life, philiosophy, Poems, thoughts

Receding

I could be forever receding within my own sorrow,

infinite in my grief

for the fralilty of living

has hollowed out my breath.

I inhale 

to exhale

fumes

and

rancid words

apart from action

leave nothing 

but baked bones

and

memory.

-Eva M.M.

Thank you as always for reading and sharing your thoughts with me in the comments. This poem, not only a self critism for what sometimes feel like empty words, but also a critism of our times, and our attitude towards helping one another.

Posted in life, philiosophy, thoughts

Stay focused but know when to be distracted.

Awhile back now I was still in the midst of the chaos and tension of high school life, work, and defining my realtionships. I had recently become friends with someone who we will just call C for this post. C and I had a few scattered but really intense and personal, deep conversations about life and healing in the face of pain rooted so far in us we were not sure if we even trusted the power of healing anymore.Though  I would never try to say that my situation was the same as his, I still felt like I understood the nature and sensations he was burdened with.That isn’t the point of this post though. The point is I was at a time in my life where I had a lot going on and yet admidsts all of that I never once told myself, ” Stay focused. Do not get distracted.” Do I regret that? No!

We tell ourselves that it is the most important thing to stay on track with our eyes on the prize. Stay alert! Stay focused! When you let yourself become distracted everything derails. I, however, in my earthquake wisdom , think that it is not about staying focused versus not staying focused in such black and white terms but rather about learning how to distinguish when to stay focused and when to let yourself be distracted. Of course, like most things in life, this is easier said than done.

I had already been thinking a lot about all of this when ironically the person that was ‘distracting me’ , C, posted something on social media about staying focused. Part of me might be posting this as some angry fireback at him but I still genuinely believe that in a world racing past us we need to know when to stop bolting around the track and halt, let ourselves be distracted.If we were never distracted we would miss many moments of beauty and opprotunities in our realtionships. That being said sometimes it really is best to stay focused.

I ask myself again it seems day after day, do I regret letting myself be distracted by C. Now,hurt because things did not pan out like they were supposed to and what could have bloomed into a beautiful and fruitful friendship melted away with the snow this spring, I want to say no. I want to say I regret it all and you all should just walk past anything that may hurt you because it will peel you away from the goals you have before you. I’m not that bitter though and I know in the end I would end up a lot more hurt, missing many great and yes some not so great and painful things that life has to offer.

If there is still hope to cleanse a heart from pain rooted so deeply one questions the power of healing then is it by knowing what to let yourself be distracted by instead of the wrong things?

-Eva M.M.

Thank you for reading and stopping by.

What do you think about being focused versus distractions?

Posted in book, books, fragments, life, philiosophy, thoughts

1984 excerts.

Nothing was your own except the few cubic centimeters inside your skull…infront of him lay not death but annihilation. The diary would be reduced to ashes and he himself to vapor…How could you make an appeal to the future when not a trace of you, not even an anonymous word scribbled on a piece of paper, could physically survive?…He was a lonely ghost uttering a truth that nobody would ever hear but so long as he uttered it,in some obscure way the continuity was not broken. It was not by making yourself heard but by staying sane that you carried on the human heritage…When there was no external records you could refer to, even the outline of your own life lost its sharpness…how can you establish even the most obvious of facts when there exists no record outside of your own memory?…the innermost heart, whose workings were mysterious even to yourself, remained impregnable…we are the dead. Our only life is the future.we shall take part of it as handfuls of splinters of bone… If you clung to truth, even against the whole world, you were not mad…can man forget that he is human?… I want everybody to be corrupt to the bones…the animal instinct, the simple undifferentiated desire: that is the force that will tear the party to piece….. Splinters of bone…” 

* From George Orwell’s ” 1984″

** Photograph by: Masao Yamamoto.

Posted in Daily Motivation, life, philiosophy, thoughts

Living in the moment in tension with wishing away time.

A while back, as my senior year was speeding to a halt, two of my friends shared with our school during morning prayer about the dangers of wishing away time. I could relate in that for my entire time at school I had been waiting eagerly for the day I would be handed my diploma and set free into the world.  A world which I have been told is both cruel and unrelenting but also gentle and beautiful beyond my comprehension . I’m supposed to be excited and enthusiastic but also ,according to my peers, I should be afraid and regretful of wishing away the time I did have. While I do see the importance of living in the moment and not wishing away time, I also see the tension between these two. Paradoxically how can one live in the moment and not wish away time if in that very moment they want time to fly past them. If they were to not wish away time in that moment but that in fact was how they felt then in some twisted away wouldn’t they not be living truly in the moment but instead trying to alter the sensations, thoughts and feelings they were feeling right then and there. To say I regret wishing away time is not something I wish to do because it makes the person I was and the way that I felt when I was wishing away the time seem invalid. Will I miss some things about my highschool life? Yes! Will I miss my friends, classmates and teachers? Yes! Do I regret all of the times I said,  ” I can’t wait for this to be over?” No!  While I do agree with the things my friend spoke about and do not take away from the value of the lessons they spoke, I do mean to offer my view on the whole situation. Is it really regret from wishing away time which would make their feelings when they wished the time away invalid or is it rather fear for what is to come and sadness at leaving the comfort and familiarity of their current lives?

I have said it many times; I know the road ahead of me will be no walk in the park. I know, relatively speaking, I have had an easy life with most things handed to me. I have always had someone to provide for me, someone there to look out for me and it is scary on a certain level that now I will be almost 100% responsible for my own well being. I will learn the real weight and responsibility of adulthood. Yet, I am ready and have been for years in one sense or another. This is my time to make my own terrible choices instead of having them made for me.

Maybe there is no right way.

Maybe we just have to keep wishing for time to speed by.

Maybe all we can ever really do is live in the moment.

-Eva M.M.

What do you think on this topic? Thank you as always for reading! 😄

Posted in life, philiosophy, Poems, thoughts

the carnivore

Two years ago

I embraced its fangs,

the shred and torment of its teeth,

the passionate pollution of it.

The carnivore ekes out it’s living

from the silver tears of youthful hearts

but it bows to one greater,

palmed paradise,

palmed,

the cunning of laced skepticism,

blind rage,

and carnivorous letters read eagerly in dim light.

For I have a spliced heart,

divided infinitely

and through its trenches trails barbed wire,

the thorns of disregarded wisdom. 

It lurks in tangled shadows,

shifting shapes with eternal joy.

Still, we all buy a ticket

to drench ourselves in the honeyed sensulality of the carnivore.

-Eva M.M.

Thank you as always my little ink angels for reading and sharing your thoughts with me in the comments below.

” Me and the pen, we are one. If its ink would cease to flow, my ink would cease to flow.”