Posted in life, Poems, thoughts

Silence

This silence is deathly,

the chasm between you and I

seems to be ever growing…

your silence is smothering me

and my words lay flat on the page

forgotten by your eyes.

Forgotten by your heart?

Forgotten–

bye

your

once brave and bold flower

now

lies

Wilted;

Yet towards you 

still remains

titled.

-Eva M.M.

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Posted in life, Poems, thoughts, Uncategorized

Dearest silence,

Dearest silence,

no longer so dear to me. You have put a strain on my heart; ties, tension, taunt… Me alone with only myself and I

am beginning to believe everything they said

that I was sacrificing myself for a man who did not realize the weight of sacrifice.

 

Most bitter solitude

that once was honey upon my twisted tongue

tied in knots, heart– morphed flame, you—tortured breath upon that dreary wind

that I had come to love; It breaks through that land of emerald and jade,

wrapped in lavender and laughter

that with you still won’t fade.

 

tragically yours,

e.m.m.

 

 

-Eva M.M.

 

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized

A letter to Rudolph.

Pull down your fear, little angel–brown eyes–

run with me in fields of dreams,

green meadows, Queen Ann’s lace

or, in the frosty time,

melt snowflakes on the tip of your tongue;

Whistle in the wind– Mt.Dew on your breath

and I froze in your essence.

I will always care for you,

even when time may carry me

into the arms of another being,

my heart will heal you from afar

even in the dimness of growing apart.

Memories still live in my shy, little heart.

You were right, you and I,

we understand each other,

you and I, friends who know

what it means to live and to love

and to heal.Rough hands enclosing such pain,

which taught me to feel deeper,

challenge the world,

and fight for myself.

Though my heart beats faster

in the presence of another,

for you have dissolved–disappeared

and ,absent from my life in form,

I must learn to move on.

If you need my hand, my heart, or my smile;

say my name and I will be

but forgive me for weeping for what was not

and for continuing with what could be.

Forgive me,

gentle one, for not being

enough to call you mine.

Remember me, dearest,

as I remember you:

Freedom!Bravery!Lone rose in the garden!

Farwell, my flower!

Au revoir.

 

I wrote this poem because sometimes you have to say goodbye and you have to let go but you still care just as much as always and will always be there for that person.

” Me and the pen, we are one. If its ink would cease to flow, my ink would cease to flow.”

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Dear Parents,We love you and we know. ( Part 1)

This is not addressed to my parents, nor the parents of anyone I know. It is addressed to anyone that is or has ever been a parent, EVER. We kids love you. We really do.We even love you when we yell back at you and say that we do not. When we run away from home , most of the time, we realize we miss your cooking and are cold and we crawl home. Sometimes we never get to leave ,because as we try to sneak out with a loaf of bread and a peanut butter jar, we notice a family photo and change our minds.We actually do realize all you have done for us, despite what you believe that we don’t. We are aware that carrying a eight pound baby inside of you for nine months is  painful and that having to give up your man-cave to turn it into a nursery, is really irritating.We are aware the birth is very painful… . Us daughters out there won’t understand it until we become mothers someday, but we know that pushing something with a giant head out of a relatively small opening cannot be a peaceful thing. We are aware that we screamed and cried a lot for the first well– all of our lives– but mostly our first years. We are aware the two a.m was really not the opportune time for you to get up and rock us back to sleep or have to smell our really disgusting poop.We are aware the it wasn’t easy running home from a long day of work only to find more work to be done, work you wouldn’t get paid for. We are aware we cause a lot of stress and arguments between each-other as husband and wife. We are aware that marriage is not always easy already but add to that a bunch of children and things, naturally, are complicated further. We do realize that having to come pick us up at school because we vomited up the twelve cupcakes we ate the night before in kindergarten, was not really your plan of what you would do with your leave at work. We are not oblivious to the fact that you have fed us at least three meals a day since  we entered this world, mothers even before that through caring for themselves and nurturing us withing your womb. We do realize the having to wash three loads of laundry a day because we thought playing fish in a mud puddle was a good idea, is really a waste of water and your time. Fathers,though we may not have been aware at the time, we know now that when we throw a baseball at your crotch it really stings.We know that eating things we shouldn’t have really made you panic when we were younger… And we apologize for trying to drink the Elmer’s glue to wash down the crayons and unidentifiable blob we ate. We really are sorry for making poison control be on speed dial.We realize that keeping a child alive is a extreme responsibility, and especially if we were your first and/or only child, how nerve wracking that must of been for you. We realize we embarrassed you so many times in public that if you had a penny for every time you would be billionaires.We know that we are stubborn and head strong about the most pointless of things sometimes. We know that when we get bad grades your worried you might be stuck with us forever(Just kidding, though I don’t doubt many parents worry about that sometimes.)We know that we get really moody when we hit puberty, and you wonder where your sweet little children went. We are aware that you just want what is best for us even though it is not humanly possible to ever know what is best for another person, that being something that is within their own heart.We realize we need to try and tell you who we are, but that you already have your own ideas of who we are, and can’t see past your own views. We grow older. We are almost young adults. And now we realize you are having a lot of mini-panic attacks. We know you want us to work harder, get into college and do something grand with our lives.We realize that you want things for us that hurt us, but you want them for us because you think they are good. You would not intentionally hurt us, but it is hard for you to realize that the children you raised since birth, and for mothers, had this intimate bond with even before the birth, are able to face the world. Sometimes we will get hurt. We might make a really bad decision on which college to go to and end up regretting the fact that we have to wear really terrible uniforms on the volleyball team. We need to make these mistakes though and we need to make them loud and boldly, by ourselves.We need this odd form of self-empowerment and self-evaluation to grow as a human being, and to realize we are broke and need to burrow your money. We need to sit and understand that life is not easy but it is beautiful and it is beautiful because its not easy but is worth it. We need to find out inner peace but finding what each section is missing from our puzzle, piece by piece. We need to make choices… And then make better ones then even you could not have in-visioned because those bad choices opened something up inside of us.We need to avoid your phone calls as we sit at college so that we can realize how much easier it was when we had you, how much we miss you, how vast and endless our love for you really is. Then we graduate college and we go and start families of our own. We start a life that is nothing like you in-visioned for us and hope that you are still proud of us because we made something we wanted . All of your time you dedicated to us was making us. Literally since the beginning through you bond, you created us. Then you made us … You read to us, you fed us, you paid for us to sit in really cold classrooms with distracting whiteboard marker colors. You did this all for us… And we are grown up now, and we realize how much of you , you have sacrificed for us. And we know we could never repay you,and that somehow that is just how it works. We know there is nothing for us to do but be who we are, the person you didn’t think we would be. Our lives, separate from yours, and then if that is the life we choose, we become parents ourselves.We go through it all, and we try to do it either as close to how you did or as far away from how you did it as we can. And we cry… We cry a little because we know that now we are partaking in something that you did for us, and we realize even more how hard it was for you. And then we cry some more because we realize how much we are messing up and how our own children will make us feel forgotten at times, and how we never wanna let go yet we remember how clingy you were and hopefully if we are one of the rare wise type of parents, we give our children the space they need to bloom into their own unique selves.And we cry because– we see you crying–because what once was is now –fading–fading–fading, and the hardest part is we only seem to love you even more with time, and understand more and more about the sacrifices you made for us and the love of living and breathing each day.

Mom and Dad: We do know. We do love you. We do want to somehow repay you for all you  have done for us. We want to hug you and take away any pain we have caused you. We want to see you smile. We want to know that you are happy. And we want to be happy to.

Sincerly, your kids.

 

Please let me know your feelings and thoughts in the comments below.

Thank you

-Wishing you the brightest of days, Eva

” Me and the pen, we are one. If its ink would cease to flow, my ink would cease to flow.”